I’m not a man hater. I’m not. But I also know (I’ve learned the hard way) that I have the freedom to decide for myself what I like and what I think and what I do.
I’ve written before about the Toni Morrison quote that compels me to write: “The function of freedom is to free someone else.”
Well, yesterday, while thumbing through social media, I came across a blog that slung me so far backwards that the bars of my prison-house were very nearly reinstated. It damn near set me back decades.
And that blog proved to me that I’m not done yet. That I need to keep fighting. To truly free myself from the side-effects of my childhood and to help free others still struggling behind the iron shackles of dogmatic religion. Not faith. Religion.
The blog was a recent post from The Transformed Wife. The title is menacing enough to me — the word “transformed” implying that the author was forced to undergo a dramatic, life-altering change to fit into the unforgiving mold of Wife.
But then there’s the title of her Monday blog: “Men Prefer Debt-Free Virgins Without Tattoos.” As if women should be driven and controlled by men’s desires. Our minds, our lives, our bodies. Controlled. By men.
Ugh. The title was frightening, but I kept reading.
The entire intent of the blog is to caution women about everything from advanced education to independent living and thought. She strongly suggests in the second paragraph that women be wary of attending university lest they learn to be “independent, loud, and immodest instead of having meek and quiet spirits.”
Are you kidding me?!?
My skin flinched; my lips curled; my eyes rolled. I was sucker-punched backward to my broken and bridled teen years, where I had this exact bullshit horsewhipped into my soul.
I still suffer from the aftermath. I am meek and quiet – at least in person. This computer screen gives me confidence and a voice. But in person, I tend to shy away when conversations heat up. Or when I do speak up, if somebody pushes back hard enough, I back down. I shut down. I was conditioned to avoid confrontation, to keep my head down, and to NEVER contradict a man.
And it pisses me the hell off. (I was also taught never to cuss. That it’s not ladylike. But I’m making pretty good progress there…)
I was also conditioned to believe my sole purpose in life was to submit myself to men and to fear my own thoughts and actions – a notion the author goes on to address: “The husband will need to take years teaching his wife the correct way to act, think, and live since college taught them every possible way that is wrong.”
Vomit. Convulsive. Bile-riddled. Projectile. Vomit.
My father’s church did not approve of women attending college either, despite Dad hailing from a family full of advanced degrees. (He and his brother have PhDs; his sisters have a Master’s and an MD.)
But no college degrees were in my future — only apprenticeship under some elder’s wife where I would learn “biblical womanhood” and how “to serve others” and “live in submission” to my husband.
That was my destiny.
Luckily, I was rebellious. I was really good at being a thorn in the side and a fly in the ointment. And after a long, exhausting struggle I was finally deemed an unfit vessel for husband and church, and thrown out of the fold and into to my grandmother’s arms.
She was headstrong and rebellious, too. And she taught me to believe in myself. Or she tried. And so did my aunts and uncles.
I spent a single semester at UT in a dorm room under their generosity. But the brainwashing from all the biblical bludgeon-ings was too deepset. I clung to the notion that being in love and in a marriage and with child was my one true calling.
I still believe motherhood is one of my truest and strongest callings. I absolutely believe in love and marriage and children.
But I do not believe in submission and ignorance and mind-control. And I never will again.
The author also states the importance and value of having young women remain “under their father’s roof until they get married.”
One of the biggest regrets of my life is that I never lived on my own as a young woman. I believe independent living is one of the most crucial life-skills a woman can glean. The ability to think for herself. Provide for herself. Trust in herself. To believe she is strong. And capable. And worthy.
I learned all of these things. But it took me a long time. I didn’t really absorb them until after I was divorced, when I struggled to survive on rice cakes and peanut butter and struggled to find my confidence and my voice. But survive I did. And more than that, I found my voice and I found my confidence (as confrontationally-challenged as it may be…).
But I am proud to say that both my girls gained independence and self-worth at a far younger age than I. They are strong, capable, autonomous women. One of my daughters, a surgeon with more advanced education than practically any person I know (and will continue her formal education for another four years), responded to the blog’s ridiculous restrictions with the following:
Well, I’m probably the most in debt of any woman out there. And I’m a 31 year old non-virgin. With a tattoo. It seems, based on this grammatically horrifying piece, I’m undesirable. But my brain is worth more than the 300,00 dollars I’ve invested in it, and I will never waste my heart on a man who teaches me how to think or feel.
Well said, my girl. Bravo.
And my other daughter, in honor of International Emoji Day, promptly posted a green vomiting icon. My sentiments exactly, my girl.
So my freedom has resulted in the freedom of my girls. And I take great pride in that. But I’m not finished yet. There are still women out there who believe they can’t exist without the guidance of a man — someone who can translate life for them.
Because the part of the blog that rattled my soul and wrenched my girl parts the most was the sorrow the author felt for women who “have not read the Bible with their father or husband to explain it to them.”
To EXPLAIN it to them?
What. The. Fuck.
What the ever-loving, mind-blowing Fuck?!? (Told you that bridle was gone. I’m the only one who controls my mouth now, thank you very much.)
Let me tell you about the husbands and fathers who “explained” scripture to me. They twisted it. They tortured it. They twisted and tortured scripture and they twisted and tortured me.
And it is taking me a lifetime to free myself from the dogma and the dictators. Don’t let me be you.
Don’t eat the bullshit. Don’t learn the helplessness. Don’t believe the lies.
You are worthy enough. You are smart enough. You are strong enough. You are important enough.
To think for yourself. To govern yourself. To believe in yourself. To educate yourself.
To love yourself.
So do it. Be it. Live it.
And then help someone else do it and be it and live it too. That’s the function. The function of freedom.
August 14, 2018 at 4:05 pm
My name is Hannah Miles. I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you grew up in that environment. It pains me actually because I could say if that were me, I would loose motivation to be involved in anything relating to church or Christ. Thats in all honesty. I am in my own journey weaving out the lies and misguidance I have experienced growing up in the church. I can understand why you are so upset and I definitely don’t blame you. I can’t even imagine.
I pray that you would feel God’s love, kindness, and truth in those areas you were most wounded. Not the truth as the world defines or what you were taught, but God’s pure and perfect truth.
August 14, 2018 at 6:09 pm
Thank you, Hannah!
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 19, 2018 at 1:49 pm
WOW! WRITE ON!
September 19, 2018 at 6:27 pm
Thank you, kind sir. I appreciate your enthusiastic vote of confidence.