My family’s under fire. No, strike that (like a match)… we’re INSIDE the fire. Inside a fiery furnace. A crucible. (I swear, witchery is afoot.)
They say things come in threes. (Witchcraft nearly always does.) But for our family, it’s been four… and I pray we’re done for awhile. First, my father died. Then my aunt (who was so much more than an aunt). Then my sister’s heart failure (an ongoing struggle for her). And now, my mom’s fall and her broken back.
And the heat keeps coming.
And on top of all this, my obligations and demands just keep getting heaped like coal on an already blazing inferno, and I honestly don’t know how much more I can take before I melt like the witch this crucible is trying to make of me.
Before my filter disintegrates completely and I unleash on unsuspecting folks.
Because I’m nearly there. I think there’s still a filmy fragment or two clinging like scar tissue on my lips… but I’m terrified the wrong person — or even the sweetest, most innocent person — is going to ask for one more thing and I’m gonna gush venom like magma.
I don’t want to burn people with nastiness. I don’t. I want to be nice. Be kind. Be a good employee, a good teacher, good friend, good wife, good mother. I want to be a good person. But I don’t know… it feels like all the good has been incinerated. How do I find more? And when found, how can I possibly give it away again… when its become such a rare and precious resource?
That’s not even a cliched phrase for me right now. It’s a plea. Heaven help me to find the good. To be the good — to the people who deserve it. And maybe even to the people who don’t. Maybe?
Or should I spew all the bad from my body in righteous indignation instead?
My father believed in it. In righteous anger. John Lewis believed in it, too. In good trouble.
But me, I don’t even know if I have the wisdom to identify good and righteous trouble anymore. What if I stumble instead — dog-tired and damaged — into the regular, run-of-the-mill, ugly anger and get myself in some bad trouble?
Honestly, my family and I — we don’t need any more trouble, good or bad. We just need some good. Show us something good.
October 2, 2021 at 6:34 am
I hope things get better for you soon! I thought last year was rough, but I am finding this school year to be almost more overwhelming than before. Nothing is being taken away but more is being added on top of everything. Best of luck!